Stop now.......

before you get too skinny. This is the comment I am getting now even though I am not at my goal yet. I went to my parents' house tonight for my stepdad's birthday. All the family and friends were there and we were having a great time. When one family member commented on the fact that I had lost a dramatic amount of weight, at which point I turned around for her to see all sides of me, everyone started to agree with one another that I didn't need to lose any more weight, that I was just fine the way I was and even my sister who is getting married next year told me that if I lost any more weight I would ruin her wedding photos. Since when will I do that if I achieve my goal??? Just because I am losing weight doesn't mean that people have the right to dictate to me when I should stop. This is a personal journey of mine and I will be happy when I reach my goal. I'm not silly, I will not end up with an eating disorder (who would want to either starve themselves or throw up???) and I certainly will tone all of my muscles so that I am fit and healthy. I have spent years listening to others criticise my weight whether I have been too fat or too skinny but no more.

I spent the evening drinking my cordial as I had had dinner prior to going to the event and was happy that I only ate 2 strawberries, 6 grapes, a small banana and a couple of water crackers with the tiniest amount of dip on them. I passed on everything else and I was proud to have done so, even if it meant being rude about not eating birthday cake. Although everything was nicely presented, I didn't want any of it. It just reminded me of where I had been.

It is nice to have broken the cycle.

Until next time,

Measures of Importance........

When you start at Weight Watchers you are usually told to take your measurements initially and put them into your book so you can see how your body is changing as you lose weight. I have been doing this religiously once a month and have kept a really nice record of how I've been doing. It is always nice to look back and see how far you've come but especially when you take another reading only to find the results so overwhelming that you cry.

That is what happened to me tonight. I decided that I would take my measurements the second time this month just to compare how my exercise has impacted on my body changing. Boy was I floored with the results, especially when Tony lovingly said that I should lift my nightie so that he could show me just how far I had come. He picked a very uplifting and massively changed part of my body, my waist. He then looked at the measurements in my book and told me to hold the beginning of the tape measure. He found my starting measurement for my waist on the tape measure and met it up with the beginning I was holding. He then held the slack up for me to see just how far I had come and what was missing. I cried as the realisation dawned on me that I had lost so much body fat, it was an incredible amount.

Just to show you how far I've come, I will now list the amount of cms lost from every part of my body to give you an idea of how many parts of my body are now so different from before.

Body Part	Start Measure (17th May 08)	End Measure (26th Feb 09)	Difference
Neck	37cm	34.5cm	2.5cm
Upper Arm	34cm	30cm	4cm
Chest	106cm	92cm	14cm
Waist	91cm	79cm	12cm
Abdomen	99.5cm	92cm	7.5cm
Hips	119cm	104.5cm	14.5cm
Upper Leg	70cm	59.5cm	10.5cm
Calf	46cm	41.5cm	4.5cm
Grand Total Lost			69.5cm

I still have a little way to go until I get to the point where my transformation will be complete but to know that I have lost that many cms off my body makes me proud of myself but upset at the same time. What runs through my head is why did it get that bad?? Why did I need to hide behind a 69.5cm suit of armor??

For those of you who haven't taken measurements, I really suggest you do so. It is so liberating when you get so far into your journey and you can see just how much progress you have made in that space of time. I will never look back and say that I want to be like my former self again. The new me is here to stay forever!

Until next time,

Almost!!!!

Tonight I was anxious about weigh in. Normally I would be as cool as a cucumber but being only 1.1 Kg away from the Weight Watchers goal (not my personal goal) you start to get nervous about whether you have done it or not. Seeing as tonight was the last night my leader would be doing the meetings it would have been nice to get to goal seeing as she has been there the whole way through my journey with Weight Watchers. Alas it was not meant to be. I hopped on the scales and found myself just short of the target. I was 200g away from victory. It was good because it meant that next week I would smash it but at the same time I would have liked to have had her last meeting as a really good memory. Unfortunately I didn't get what I want but that is okay, it just means I will be very excited next week.

In a way it is probably a good thing I didn't get there just yet because it means that I will be starting March as a whole different person, a skinnier one!! If I look back at how I felt when I first started, the transformation is amazing!!!! Not only am I thinner but I have transformed inside as a person from a caterpillar to a butterfly and I now know after lots of soul searching and spiritual help that I am at peace with myself, both physically and mentally. I am more outgoing, have loads of friends, enjoy life more and am definitely more active. I didn't think I would be this happy after achieving such a milestone even though I have a more personal weight loss goal in mind.

That said, I don't think that there are many people out there who can say that they are truly happy with their existence. They find themselves changing jobs, eating their feelings using chocolate or fast food, feeling depressed and generally not at peace with themselves or their surroundings. To those people out there I say change your life. If you are overweight, depressed, have low self esteem and other health problems I recommend you give Weight Watchers a go, you never know, you might just discover the true you underneath all the weight, low self esteem and depressed feelings.

Until next time,

Family......

Since when does family dictate how much weight you should gain or put on??? Since the dawn of the ages. Especially for European girls like me who get fed some of the most greasiest, richest and fatty foods. Today I looked at what I ate and although I didn't eat the best like usual (instead of lunch I had a muffin and a skinny hot chocolate), I didn't just automatically think that I could eat lunch and then have a high calorie dinner. In the old days I wouldn't have cared about that muffin or hot chocolate (which would have been full of fat and a lot larger serving) and would have had whatever took my fancy for lunch and dinner on the nights where I am rushed. However life has taken a back seat a little and while my family might still cook foods coated in oil and have rich and highly fatty foods, I no longer have the appetite for them. I walk past my "old favourites" without batting an eyelid. This coming from someone who was born 8 pounds 2 1/2 ounces and grew to be 6 foot tall. Just because our genetics and mother's good old fashioned home cooking are around as we grow up, doesn't mean that as adults we need to continue our behaviour. As adults we have the power to change the way we do things, put a stop to the attitudes passed down from generation to generation about feeding your children until they burst. No longer do I desire a second helping of spaghetti like I did as a child, no longer do I literally scoff my food to the point of not chewing anything and certainly do I not cook any of the dishes my mother makes. This is simply a mantra to myself "I do not want to be like her when I reach her age" and although menopause might give me a little bit of a run for my money, I am going to hedge my bets that I can sustain the lifestyle I have now adopted as "the right way" to live.

Although I didn't do any work in the gym today, I did however go for a walk whilst my daughter was doing her soccer training. It was a short walk but exercise nonetheless. How hard is it really to change your habits??? Not that hard, it just takes discipline and willpower. I've got it, have you??

Until next time,

On Yer Bike.......

or your treadmill LOL!!!!

Ok, so after feeling glum and disgusted with myself last night, I decided today I would get past it and exercise my points off regardless of how I was feeling and how my muscles were doing.

I trudged off to the gym begrudgingly but once I got there I got into the familiar rhythm. I got on the treadmill and started walking feeling every ache as I went but I kept going and the aches went away. After an hour I changed to doing weights using the machines upstairs in the ladies gym and did that for 30 minutes. I then hopped onto the treadmill for another 10 minutes to finish off. Not once did I back down, cry or tell myself that I couldn't do it. I figured that there was no way out of my miserable state of being 4.5 points down on my daily allowance and that it was up to yours truly to fix it.

After having gone I feel so much better. Points are back in the right place and I am proud of my efforts today. I am looking forward to Wednesday now with a much more positive attitude. I have a secret though but everyone will have to wait until it is revealed at a later date. Oh I love keeping you all in suspense!!!!

Until next time,

Stumbling Blocks......

Yes I have hit a stumbling block and I don't know why. Or maybe I do and I need to admit it. I've been trying to wrap my head around getting to the Weight Watchers goal of 81 Kg and although my body will get there, my mind has hit a wall. I guess because I am on my way down my body is resisting a little and my insecurities are starting to creep in. I want to hide away in big baggy jumpers and trackpants at the moment or just crawl into bed and stay there. I feel like my comfort zone is missing but it hasn't been around for so long so how come I am feeling so bad??? Bad enough that I went 5 points over my daily allowance and I let myself eat my feelings??? Although I have the attitude of "keep on going", I think my mind is resisting a little because I'm so used to being out of the spotlight. As it is, I view my birthday as the most unimportant day of the year. I figure it is okay to make a fuss over everyone else but that I don't matter enough to celebrate another year of being alive and I guess I have reached that point in my weight loss where I figure that it is just another kilo, nothing special. I am slightly over it, and I don't know why.....Tony certainly says that the muscle definition in my legs is starting to show, the definition elsewhere is also showing and I look good, so how come I don't feel good? Does the thought of being at the point where I stop losing seem too scary to even contemplate let alone do??? Maybe it comes down to the sorrow of knowing that I no longer have the goal of simply losing weight but that I now need to maintain it for my wallet's sake but also my sanity? Being Bipolar certainly makes things interesting as those of us who suffer with this dreaded illness go through highs and lows within our life but also go through fixations with zeal unknown to a normal human being. Maybe I don't want that to end and am simply grieving for the experience. I would certainly like to know because simply getting fat isn't an option.

Until next time,

Aches and Pains......

My body is in denial at the moment, it believes it is a lean, mean, fit fighting machine but it isn't and today just proved it. After a gym session yesterday that left me feeling slightly sore, today's workout proved to be a killer. I decided to try to do the one class I had been avoiding on purpose just because the description of the class put me off, Body Attack. I decided to tackle it the only way how, the old "go hard or go home" technique. I figured if I was going to conquer my fear and the mountain of this class then I would need to put myself through the torture. After 20 minutes I was sweating profusely, had gone a nice shade of beetroot red and felt like my lungs were going to burst but I had a drink and kept going. Then I stopped again only 15 minutes later for another drink break and to catch my breath for another 15 minutes. I kept pushing my brain, the thoughts going through my head were "you can't do this, you're weak, go home" etc. I wouldn't quit and kept going even if it meant rest periods and am some points doing smaller moves than the rest of the class, I was going to succeed and get through the class and conquer it. An hour after the class started, I had finished. I felt exhilirated but tired and feeling the full effects of working muscles in areas I didn't know existed. I went home for a hot bath and was feeling good. However now, I am hobbling around the house like a cripple. My driver muscles just above my knees ache like I've gone and run and a marathon. It just goes to show that when we let our bodies become rundown and complacent and we become couch potatoes, our bodies lose what fitness it does have. Before I started working out at the gym I never exercised and I'm feeling it now. Where before I would have quite easily run for a bus or a train or a tram before I piled on the weight, I couldn't do until now. Being at the gym up to 6 times a week doing various exercises to get my body back into shape with stronger muscles, flexibility and aerobic fitness has changed my measurements, changed how fast I can run and has also changed how much weight I can carry with my bare hands. You can only go as far physically as your mind lets you. If you have a defeatist attitude, then you will not make it through even one training session in a gym because your mind will put blocks in the way to stop you. If you have a positive attitude, you can do anything you put your mind to. I've put my mind into losing weight and becoming fitter before I hit menopause and my body has a mind of its own. Age is no barrier for me and neither are the aches and pains that I get each time I go to the gym and push myself further. No pain, no gain.

Until next time,

Going Down???

Today was a huge day for me....not only was I running around like a complete idiot to get everything done (there are seriously not enough hours in the day) but I also had weigh in at Weight Watchers. I was very apprehensive about the meeting as Sunday was not a good day food wise but I stuck with it and figured I would wear whatever result I got when I stepped on the scales. Boy was I gobsmacked when the reading said I'd lost another kilogram!! How in the world did I manage to do that after the week I just had??? I thought I was destined to have put weight on. I can honestly say that it is mindblowing, especially when the weigher told me I only had another 1.1 Kg to go to reach the top of the healthy weight range according to the Weight Watchers chart. I had to pick my chin up from the floor, it was making my head spin. Since when was I so close to goal??? I always thought of it as miles away, not something this close. It is now exactly 8.1 Kg away if I get to my personal goal of 74 Kg which still seems very close. I tried on the exact same 3/4 pants in Rockmans today during their end of season sale and was shocked to see myself in a size 12, my body looked amazing in them and I couldn't believe how my bottom didn't look too bad in them. Ultimately I need to do some major butt squeezes to get it into the best shape which is now one of my goals at the gym but I can't get over the transformation, especially when I look at previous photos of myself. I look forward to seeing the end of the journey.

Until next time,

Oh well.......

Ok, I didn't end up needing to worry so much about the party I went to last night, it turns out that I ended up eating something healthy at home and managed to avoid what nibblies were on the table. I didn't do too badly because I also took my own food. Like a good girl scout, I was prepared for the situation and even took my own cordial to drink and avoided alcohol.

Today was the church luncheon and although they have to feed many people, they did not have any healthier choices which was disappointing. I viewed the food as evil and made the choice to have a hotdog. I felt sick afterwards though because I can't handle white bread anymore now that I have been eating wholemeal breads for so long. I also felt guilty for eating a twirl whilst I was there, I didn't realise I had blown my points until after I got home and put in the foods I had eaten. I am now 5 points over which means slogging it out in the gym for 2 1/2 hours to counteract the damage I have done this week. I am okay with that though because I am accountable to myself for what I do. Only I can control what I put in my mouth and only I can control the amount of exercise I do. I am looking forward to weigh in to see if my blowout has a nasty effect on my weight. If I do put on, I am only accountable to myself for having slipped up but I will just promise to do better next time.

Until next time,

D-Day......

Well it is D-Day for my challenge and I am apprehensive but will be fine I think based on the information I am being given. According to my mother in law there are a few people going who only eat healthy foods so I am a happy camper that there will be food there that I can eat no problems. DH is planning on making a burger before we leave but I'm in two minds about it. On the one hand a burger sounds nice but if I eat one before I go, then I will not have had enough vegetables for the day and if I don't eat then I am taking a risk that there will be food available when we get there as DH seems to think that all the food will be gone by the time we get there as the time states the party starts at 5:47pm and finishes at 11:37pm. I am thinking I shall have a small snack before I go just so I can say I've eaten something in case the food is gone but also take a couple of snacks with me just in case the food has gone before we arrive.

On another topic, I've managed to get to the stage where I am on the downward path after having lost 600g on Wednesday at weigh in. I can now see a brighter future as a slimmer person. I can walk on the treadmill and not be as sweaty as I was when I first started, I can go 90 minutes on the treadmill without stopping and do 30 minutes with weight machines and not feel like I have done too much. I am succeeding slowly and that success will continue until I am beautifully thin at which point I can say that I look radiant and elegant.

My mantra words from The Living End this week are helping me along my journey. Their song "To The End" is very appropriate now that I am on the downhill track. The words particularly moving for me are:

Countdown toward the end now
No need to panic, no need to panic now

I've come this far I'm never turning back

'Til the end, 'til the end
I'm never gonna give up- 'til the end, 'til the end
I'm not gonna stop til I've tried, not until I'm satisfied
Until I get what I want, 'til I get what I want
Until I get what I need, til I get what I need, til I get what I want!

Now you're back against the wall
And you've made your final call
Do you have any last requests at all?
When the chips are down
And life as you know it is upside down
Pick yourself back up and turn it around

We all feel like we are never going to get to the end of our journeys. We are always struggling with either motivation, food cravings, unhealthy options available, willpower and the thought that our journey is so long, we can't possibly attain such a mammoth goal. However this is not the case and there are so many people out there trying to keep going who have worked out strategies of coping so they can keep going. My strategies have ranged from drinking more fluids, exercising more to leave more points available for special nights, looking at my old photos of when I was obese and realising how far I have come, even just the slight changes such as a looser waistband on my skirts/shorts/pants etc, treating myself to things I wanted as momentum to keep going like a magazine, diet foods, new clothes, a fit ball, dyeing my hair etc. These are all things that can be used to help you along your journey and it has certainly helped mine. I even count how many centimetres I have lost off my body and I've charted it to show myself how my body has changed. I was told about a site called virtual model which can show what you will look like when you get to your goal. I've yet to look because I am scared of what I will see but I know I am almost there so maybe trying it will not be so bad. I hope for those of you who can't see an end to your journey just yet to try the site out too so that it can give you that hope to keep going. Now time to get ready for my challenge. We have also been invited to utilise the pool tonight so I will be getting my cossie on just in case I feel it necessary to have a dip in the pool.

Until next time,

Proof in the Pudding.....

Okay, I decided to conduct an experiment last week as my challenge to see if eating all my points and exercising when I had a deficit would still see me losing weight. On Saturday night before going out I had 11.5 points spare to use but went over that by a whole 3.5 points. I was so naughty! On Sunday night I went over by 2 points and Monday night went over by 2 points again. I went to the gym on Tuesday determined to change everything. I exercised for 2 1/2 hours using the treadmill, machines and free weights aswell as the fitball. I ended up eating what points I had left and waited for weigh in day which was today. I hopped on the scales with baited breath hoping for a loss. What a shock to find I had lost 600g this week. This takes my WW loss to 22.3 Kg and total loss to 37.3 Kg.

It goes to show that when on the Weight Watchers plan you need to eat as many points as possible in order to lose weight. If you don't your body rebels and you end up possibly on a plateau like I was last week. It can be heartbreaking and frustrating all at once.

I also did something else tonight of which I am very proud and feel very at peace with. I went to my church for some introduction to Christianity lessons of which I have had a leaning towards for a while. I promise not to bible bash anyone reading this blog, my own beliefs are just that, my own. I said a prayer tonight welcoming God into my life and felt very serene, peaceful and relaxed afterwards. I felt proud in taking such a big step. I am looking forward to continuing my journey but the one with WW is going to be as momentous as this. I now have only 9.1 Kg to go until I hit goal and what an occasion that will be. In the meantime I shall eat all of my points, exercise and continue to lose weight.

This week's challenge will be to see if I can stay away from the nibblies and alcohol at the party I am going to on Saturday night, should be a fantastic effort if I do.

Until next time,

Oh man, I can't do it!!!!

How do I eat all of my points without going over???!!!!! I don't think I can do this!!!!!!

Wait, get a grip, get hold of myself!

I can do this, it is called balance! Although I may have gone over my points in the last 3 days I can get it back. How? EXERCISE!!!!!!! Tomorrow I am off to the gym to do a 2 1/2 hour workout to really get my body going and to counteract the damage I've done. It will not be difficult either, as long as I get a good night's sleep and drink enough fluids before, during and after. My biggest problem yesterday and today was not drinking enough. When I drink 2.5L of fluid per day I don't need the extra snacks that I've been having. It is why I have gone over and why I need to work it off. I can do it before weigh in and make sure that when I get on the scales on Wednesday night I will lose weight, even if I only lose 100g. I am determined not to let it ruin my entire week, I am determined not to have another few days like this weekend just gone, I have the power, not the food!!!!!!

I must say, having DH away for work hasn't helped because I've not had a babysitter to help me out when I've wanted to go to the gym in the evening, DH has been a rock for me when I have made the decision to go and he has looked after the kids and put them to bed for me. I couldn't do that from Friday night on because being away means my support network shrinks considerably. However this week coming is a new week and I can work harder to get the results I want. I have also been told that the last 5 kilos are the hardest to shift, I would have to say that the last 10 are mammoth for me but I am determined to get there, even if I go over getting there when I set the goalpost for doing so.

Let's hope that I have a positive result on Wednesday.

Until then,

So I Plateaued......

Today I went to weigh in at my meeting and did the usual thing and hopped on the scales. Unfortunately I hit my worst enemy....the plateau. I wouldn't have minded maybe so much if I was back in the earlier part of my journey but being so close to goal I have found it frustrating that I hit one tonight. I got off the scales feeling deflated and depressed.

How could I have hit a plateau when I had done some hard exercise last week and didn't eat my points every day??

Easy.....When you don't eat your daily allowance of points your body goes into starvation mode, a misgnomer from the dark ages is that you should only eat 3 meals per day and no snacks. However this is incorrect and you should eat several meals throughout the day to keep your body from having to go into starvation mode. I did not do this during the week so my body held onto what it could in order to keep going so I stayed the same weight.

I got really upset, dejected and deflated and almost felt like going home and eating a really fatty meal just to make myself feel better but that is the old me, the one who would eat her feelings. Instead I went with fellow members to the local McDonald's and whilst they ordered coffee I sat there with my bottle of low joule cordial and talked about how I was feeling. Even when I caved and was thinking of getting a small hamburger to treat myself, I asked the girl serving for the brochure on the saturated fat and kilojoules within their food. She couldn't provide me with one so I said politely that I wasn't going to order anything and I sat back down. I was proud of myself for having the strength to walk away at such a difficult moment in my journey.

I ended up coming home and eating the healthy pasta casserole I cooked earlier and just treated myself to a small handful of mozzarella cheese as there was no parmesan available for me to sprinkle on. I figured that was a better option than eating saturated fat.



My leader suggested I go home and measure myself as she said that the scales alone would not tell me if I had improved in my physique, so dejectedly I grabbed the tape measure and my old blue book that had my measurements in and I started measuring and recording. I was completely blown away by the fact that I had not only lost half a centimetre off of my upper leg (a major area of dislike for me) but that I had also lost a centimetre off my hips. The biggest surprise was that I had lost a whole 2 1/2 centimetres off of my waist, no wonder my pants have been falling down!!!!

I feel much better about my plateau as it has taught me that even when the road seems still a little far away, I am making progress in other areas such as my physique, my health and wellbeing and my sanity.

Tomorrow is a new day with a fierce determination to work harder and work smarter and I've made sure that I've started the week eating my points. I have certainly done that today and will continue to do so during the rest of this week.

Until next time,

How do I do it???

Whenever someone doesn't see you for a while and you've done something like change your hairstyle or hair colour, buy a new outfit or lose weight, they generally exclaim "what a transformation" and are happy for you and help you celebrate your achievement. However, in my case I have had a lot of negative responses from family and friends that I have lost enough weight and therefore do not need to lose any more weight.

When I first started my journey at my heaviest, it wasn't to lose weight initially, it was to find out what foods were making me feel so sick. I was eating indigestion tablets like they were going out of fashion, I never left the house without quik-eze in my bag and I dreaded eating anything I hadn't prepared myself in case I had a reaction. So I was pretty much in denial that it was for weight loss reasons, it was to try and get well. I felt dejected that I couldn't eat spaghetti like I used to or anything else that had tomato, onion, garlic or capsicum in it. The vegetables and rice I was eating became a staple food because they were bland and boring and "safe". I was more depressed than ever at that time.

Then I put weight back on over Christmas and New Year and then the months following that and just felt awful about myself. It was only after having a coffee with a friend of mine who was already on Weight Watchers that I discussed my dilemma with her. She explained the program to me and told me to come along and just listen to what they had to say. I was apprehensive, I wasn't sure it was something that I was wanting to do and I didn't know if I would get anything out of it.

Normally I am a compulsive joiner of anything. I have had gym memberships in the past that I didn't use, joined classes and dropped out, started uni and didn't finish etc. and I figured this would be one more thing I would start and not finish. After I started the program I basically ate food within reason of the points I was allowed and went from there. I didn't exercise at all apart from the normal walking I would do to and from the bus stop and from the train to work. I felt proud of losing the first 5 kilos but embarassed at the same time. How could I have carried that weight around for so long and not realised what it was doing to me???

The next milestone of 10% was also the 10 Kg mark. Again I felt proud of myself but still felt awkward. I was made to get up in front of people and tell them how it was that I was managing to do it. It still didn't sink in that I was getting anything out of going. It was only once I got to 15 Kg that I felt good about it but then I had a panic attack about my upcoming cruise, how would I sustain my weight loss whilst on a boat that had food coming out of every porthole??? I relaxed, took the eating in my stride and refused to use the elevators the entire trip unless I was wearing my dressy high heels because a couple of times I nearly fell over on them as the ship moved. I thought long and hard on that trip, could I really make it??? Could I really lose all the weight and find myself again??? I wasn't sure but damn it I was going to try and I wasn't going to beat myself up over it.

As the weeks have gone by, I no longer count on whether I will lose weight, I simply look at the results afterwards and work out the next plan of attack. If I put on, the challenge is there to get it off, if I lose then the challenge is to see if I can beat the loss I posted for that week. I challenge my exercise regime, my eating, anything I can to motivate myself so that I will get there and by george I will because with 9.7 Kg to go, there isn't anything in my way. I'm not due for a heart attack or a diagnosis of diabetes anytime soon and I'm sure as hell not restricted in the movement department. I have my legs, I have my arms, I have my strength and I have my determination, I will succeed!!!!!!!

To all my naysayers out there, take note, when I finish my journey of losing weight, it only means that the next journey is beginning, that one which sees me getting on rides with my children within theme parks and fitting into the seats unlike the year I went to the Royal Adelaide Show and couldn't fit into the chair swing, sees me conquer my fear of heights (funny yes seeing as I am 6 foot tall) and climbing a ladder to clean my upstairs windows properly and one which sees me live life to the fullest with my husband by my side.

Until I post my weigh in results,

Comfort Eating and the Shame It Brings......

After watching yet another installment of The Biggest Loser I was shocked to see that not one contestant had a weight that was less than 100 Kgs. I was in tears when certain contestants revealed certain things they had gone through or missed out on because of their weight and I thought back to when I was 105.4 Kg and reminisce as to why I let myself get that heavy.

For me, although my tablets made me hungry, I was very depressed a lot of the time about myself. I didn't have a positive view point about my talents or my parenting skills or anything else. I felt like a failure towards my family. After having gone through losing two babies after my daughter was born, my marriage falling apart and my life generally going nowhere, I became severely depressed. Even with a wonderful new husband and two extra children, I still felt like I wasn't good enough. I certainly didn't feel attractive and felt that my husband deserved better. I began to comfort eat a lot of the time simply because the food was there. I had no social contacts which lowered my self esteem as I'd not been able to sustain any friendships of any kind through my working life or through my married life. My first marriage left me in tatters as I'd not been allowed to have my own friends, I wasn't allowed to talk to people, I was isolated to be controlled. When you have been in that situation, you find yourself eating as a means of artillery to be able to fend people off. I was able to keep everyone at arms length so long as I continued to eat. However, my body had other ideas and a divine intervention was had the night I got sick. That was my saving point, my "lightbulb" moment if you like where I could no longer look at myself because I was disgusted with how I looked. As I look back at the photos of me at my heaviest, I can only imagine how I must have seemed to everyone else. It is a shock to see yourself that big. I remember feeling uncomfortable in dresses because I was overweight, hiding in jeans was the only way I felt comfortable and even photos of me in jeans was horrendous.

I wonder how many people out there are yet to have their own "lightbulb" moment and how many already have. I certainly would love to know those figures rather than just the measurements of my body of which I am yet to do this month.

Until next time,

Moods and exercise

Having strained muscles at the gym on Thursday I took it easy for a few days to let them recuperate. It is now Sunday and I can say that although I couldn't do another fitball class any time soon I think I can go back to the gym tomorrow and do some exercise.

I cleaned my house today and made it look beautiful and felt all the more better for it however over the past few days I have noticed that when I don't exercise my moods go haywire. I have felt flat, to content to upset and am now realising that my moods are directly affected by how much I exercise as my body has grown accustomed to having adrenaline pumped through it on a daily basis.

Although I never had this issue with my Bipolar Disorder before because I was sedentary, it is now becoming a major focal point. I find that when I am at the gym walking on the treadmill or pumping weights I feel good about myself because I am doing something for me yet when I don't go to the gym I feel like something is missing out of my day and I get fragile. Exercise has become a key to staying stable and having a sunny disposition for me and it is now important that I do some sort of physical activity each day.

On another note, tonight I watched the first episode of The Biggest Loser series even though I realise that their methods are made for entertainment purposes and nothing more. It was interesting to see the empowerment the contestants had when they confronted their demons that were attached to their favourite foods. I have no doubt in my mind that everyone comes face to face with this issue every time they try to lose weight. It was certainly the case for me when confronted with a dominoes pizza. I looked at it long enough to realise that it only represented heart disease and misery for me and so I passed. I can safely drive by now and not even give the store a second glance and the same can be said for other establishments I used to frequent. The biggest disappointment I had with watching the show and the subsequent commercials was the amount of quick fix items being promoted to lose weight. They ranged from shakes, soups and "health" bars to tablets and even a ready made meal delivery service. I was appalled as having now been on Weight Watchers for as many weeks as I have, I understand now that it is a process that requires not only exercise but the right everyday diet that many of us do not have. I know that these contestants will go back into the real world and will find themselves not able to cope with real life situations because they haven't learnt about themselves enough to understand why they overeat and so will put the weight back on again. It is a viscious cycle and one that the "diet" companies have made millions of dollars on. Good thing Weight Watchers is out there to promote the healthier way to eating otherwise we would be getting nowhere.

Until next time,