After the game we took off to the local shopping complex to buy school clothes for Sophia and jeans and trackies for me. After doing the school shopping, we tackled the next task of jeans. I went to the one store that sells jeans for all shapes and sizes and leg lengths, Jeans West. I tried on 10 pairs of jeans, all of varying colours, designs and looks. I settled on 2 pairs of skinny jeans as I liked the way they fit. I couldn't believe that I came home with size 12 jeans for my body, it was too good to be true! I also managed to hunt down some nice trackies that will keep me warm and are long enough (I seem to have that problem with a lot of clothes!) and came home feeling wonderful, almost floating.
I would love to know within myself how I could get to a point where my appetite ruled my existence and I didn't care what went in. I have tried analysing my journey to see where the break occurred. I am still struggling with it but have seen so many positive signs within myself that I am happier now with how I look. Watching The Biggest Loser has certainly opened my eyes. I can relate to the negativity of being overweight and getting teased, I was constantly picked on for being different because of my height. It is so hard to be going through the hardest time in your life and have someone judge you and tell you that you don't fit in. I still feel like I don't fit in anymore. Through Weight Watchers I have made some amazing friends but yet again, I am not going through the same thing anymore, I am at goal and they aren't quite there yet. I feel a sense of loss with it, I feel that I should have slowed down. I feel like I am over the top at times with my zealousness to get things done, get things finished. I was never competing with anyone to get my weight down but I feel very different to how things were when I wasn't at goal.
How can you be a role model for someone or an inspiration for someone if you are doubting whether you have gone in the right direction because there is no one who you can relate to within your peer group??? I've always wanted to be friends with people who I can relate to and who I can measure up against, but there isn't anyone I know. I would love to be able to compare myself with someone because being who I am now is very scary and I could see how easy it would be to go backwards. I only can compare myself to how I was 18 months ago, that is all I have to go on and it seems surreal.
Maybe I will get the answers to the feelings I have someday.
Until next time,
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