It's been a very tough week for me this week. I have had to get my head around two different yet equally soul destroying moments from last weekend and even this week that have taken their toll in a dramatic way. As usual, I emotionally curled up into the foetal position and ate what I was feeling on and off this past week. I am ashamed to admit it but am admitting it so that I can put it in writing to show myself that I'm still coming out the other side. I've still got some very personal demons to deal with and don't know if I'll ever truly overcome them. I am still very insecure about my looks and even though I've gone down two dress sizes, Tony tells me I am more gorgeous than when he first met me, I still can't see it. I try my hardest to push past my insecurities but when you get people tearing you down all the time it can be really hard to bounce back, especially when they make comments about your age, your looks or even your skills.
Last weekend I went to weigh in at my usual meeting on a Saturday morning. I was all ready to hop on the scales and face the numbers even though I've told myself time and again that I am not defined by a number, I am defined by how I feel. I had a feeling within myself that I had put on weight that week and I was ready for it, warts and all. What threw me off was that the person who weighed me commented on the fact that I had put on weight and then proceeded to ask why that was. I felt extremely uncomfortable telling that person what it was about my week that had caused a 900g gain. I know in myself that I've been under extreme stress with family issues, work issues and that favourite time of the month for us ladies which always causes me to go a bit wonky the week before and during that I get it. I'm not sure if I am right about this but I don't think the person weighing you has any right to say anything to you if you lose or even if you put on weight. They shouldn't say anything at all because let's face it, weight loss is an extremely sensitive issue and no one wants to have it broadcast by another person when they put on or lose weight in front of a large group of people, which for me was the ultimate humiliation as the line was up to 12 people long by the time I was weighing in. I felt really embarrassed and upset by the experience and so now I am dreading my weigh in tomorrow because if I get the same person weighing me again I don't think I will cope very well, especially if it is another gain.
I also had to deal with an issue at my church. I am a part of the choir in church and there are not many people who do it and do it well. There are only 2 teenagers in the choir and the rest of the choir are in the over 40 bracket except for the other guy who does items with his guitar and the odd choir part. When it was mentioned that a choir was needed for a particular service I offered to help out with it only to be told that someone with a more youthful approach was needed. I was shocked at this person's remark as well as embarrassed because I was being called old at 32 and made to feel very uncomfortable. I didn't think I was old and it made me feel very sad. When I've been hearing that 30 is the new 20, to be called old is really quite insulting.
These issues along with the ones with work, where I have a co-worker who is jealous that I have a data entry speed that is faster than hers and therefore I can churn out more licences than what she can, which I might add is impressing my boss and helping me to secure a permanent position within the company, are making me feel attacked and once again I am facing old demons of insecurity and worthiness which in turn leads to a battle with food.
How can someone handle all of this in one week? When do you say I give up and throw in the towel? How much must a person be kicked before they can take no more?
These issues alone are easy to overcome. All at once and the battle begins not to lose your sanity, not to devour all the foods you know are bad for you, not to start falling into old routines and old habits. It is so difficult and you wonder sometimes if you are meant to cope with all of this. I am certainly being tested at the moment but I refuse to back down. I shall simply retreat and save myself, but not to the point where I disappear and put weight back on. Going back to where I started is not an option.
Some quotes to help keep going are:
The hardest battle you're ever going to fight is the battle to be just you - Leo F Buscaglia
You will conquer by patience - Unknown
These are two that will help me this week as I fight the good fight without losing myself in the process. What are you fighting against this week? Can you conquer your battles too?
Until next time,
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