The down track

Ok, I have been absent for a while, but then I have been absent most of this week with the way I have felt.

As the week has started I have had really bad PMS and been very upset. This has since spiralled into a depressive state and not something I like to be in. It kind of started last week really but has been continuing and I am now doing what I like to call the cancel game. This is where I go and cancel things I have to do because I am not up for being sociable or having conversations.

It is very hard when you are depressed because you don't feel like eating, exercising or doing much else. I am pushing myself to eat and go to work at the moment but where I can beg off of doing something I am taking the easy option. I know that it isn't right but it is a coping mechanism I developed at a time where I completely fell apart, wasn't eating and dropped a lot of weight. I looked sick at the time. So now the plan is to force myself to eat and function as much as possible which includes going to work, having a shower and getting sleep. I figure the more I try and stick to routine the better it works.

I guess this is the down track of having successfully conquered my weight. I also knew it was coming too because the weather has changed. It is now dark earlier and I've not seen the sun much and I feel slightly stressed. It happens occasionally and is not caused by another illness known as Seasonal Affective Disorder. It is because around this time it comes close to my birthday and when my birthday comes close I become disjointed as my dad committed suicide in June of 2001.

It is not something that rules my life any more but it does have an impact. I have been down on and off during my weight loss and now that I have finished accomplishing the goal I have to come off of my high that I have been on for the last 8 weeks. It is a byproduct of a good mood. Not a good way to be but then again, I never asked for it, it was dealt in a cruel blow as it is hereditary and my sister has the illness too.

I am trying to pull myself up and get back to being a happy spirit but it does take a while. At the moment I feel very tired, listless, down and out and quite sad. Hopefully we'll see the bouncy Sonya again soon.

Until next time,